A Failed Love Soufflé: Attempting To Raise My Dating Profile

The world is designed for couples. Council Tax is split, mortgages are better, holidaying in pairs offers sometimes huge discounts. Even food is cheaper when bought in family packs, and sweets come in bags that are designed to be shared. I mean, I don't, but they do. According to the Office for National Statistics, in 2017 single people spent about £21 a week more than their loved up counterparts, a large proportion of which I imagine is spent on tissues. Not for that, you dirty buggers - for weeping alone in the dark. So, it's not just the long, lonely nights that remind you how nobody wants to see you in your pants, it's also being perpetually in your overdraft.

It's no wonder, then, that dating websites and apps are so popular. Horrible, impersonal and full of people who think pictures of them taken with a filter that gives them bear ears and huge cartoon eyes is a fair representation of their Them, but popular nonetheless. Even I've been using a couple, not that I'm having much (any) success. Sadly, due to my current lack of getting shit faced and a distinct shrinking of my social circle, I must persevere. There are tips online for creating the 'Best Dating Profile You Can', but I'm pretty sure I'm not the You they're writing for. Quite a few of these articles say the best photos to use are action shots, which is madness, and also confusing because aren't all photos action shots? Unless you've died, and then you shouldn't be out there snaffling up all the hotties.

I haven't yet died, and while I'm not afraid of doing so alone, I am finding living that way increasingly tedious. The solution, of course, is to begin a quest to create my perfect profile. I tend to start with the photo, which is tricky because I live alone and it's a bit completely depressing to ask a friend to help you snap pics for the purposes of finding a mate. This means the end result tends to look very much like you've taken it yourself standing against your least grotty wall, trying to look like you're not trying and wearing an expression that screams 'I'd quite like to have sex again one day'. Which isn't sexy. On top of this I look like the sloth from Ice Age when I'm smiling or laughing, and moody is something that only looks good on people who already look good. Then you need to add the back up pictures that give an impression of your vibrant, vital life, which if I had, I wouldn't be spending so much time on this sodding app. Balls to this, I'll type up a pithy, engaging description of myself first, and reel them in with my dazzling rock and roll lifestyle.

In the slightly minced words of Montell Jordan, This is how I woo it.

The bio. The bit that everyone says is really important and gives you your chance to shine, but that nobody actually reads because they either want to ride you like Splash Mountain, or they'd rather drown on, let's say Splash Mountain. Should you be totally honest? No. No, you shouldn't. Lord no. But you also shouldn't lie, because your photo already shouts a thousand repulsive words and should you ever actually get a date, you're going to get found out anyway. Be funny though. Not too funny, because you don't want to seem like you can't be serious, but funny enough to pique their interest. List your hobbies, so you'll need some of them, and don't have boring ones, or ones that are too highbrow, or childish or suggest you're a bit weird. Is blogging a hobby? Probably don't mention that. Oh, and be original and concise but not overly so and specific and positive and keep it updated so it's always current and fresh. And don't sound needy. And don't brag. And don't be shy. Piece of piss, really.

Brilliant, so that's all that done. I'm not sure who this chap I've created is, but I want to bang him like a drum and then grow old with him - which is probably just as well - so the matches should be mounting up soon (pun absolutely intended). Now I can begin sifting through the profiles of the lovely ladies who have also spent this much time and worry constructing their perfect profi- oh, hang on, they've mostly all just chucked theirs together in seconds, using pictures they've taken in the loos of a Walkabout, and their bio recommends their Insta which is more toilet pictures. And they're half Manga bear. And my home town only has thirteen single women of an appropriate age. What, I have to pay how much to see who likes me?! Why can't the world just freeze over so I can find a nice lady sloth?

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