Uncertainty or Indecision? I can't decide.

There is an interpretation of quantum mechanics that suggests that for every possible choice, action and event, there is a whole new universe created, it’s history and future altered by that very choice. Those freshly created universes also branch off into countless realities, with their offspring springing off again, and so on. And on. And on. So theoretically there is a world where I didn’t write this blog, and because I didn’t something awesome happened, and there’s another one where not blogging results in my hideous death by snakes. Endless possibilities. This interpretation came about in the late 1950s, long before I was born, and I probably didn’t hear about it until around the age of eleven, but I was fortunate enough to be born an over thinking, worrier extraordinaire. Blessed was I.

From the early dawn of life, every option available to me has seemed too important not to consider. What this means is that each decision, from the mundane to the self altering, is terrifying. The complicated, textured world of attraction and love is made somewhat awkward by the necessity to concern oneself with the outcome of each word spoken. Can I say that? How will it be heard? Was that pause too long? It probably was, wasn’t it. Was it? Oh, she’s gone. Similarly, a wide selection of confectionary, while tantalising, creates confusion for long enough for my head to start conjuring up visions of an evening where I don’t want a Snickers later on, where I wish I’d bought a Boost, though if I get the Boost I might fancy nougaty peanuts at some point. It’s difficult. Buying clothes and electronics are the worst. Though the outer perception of the things I wear has no real bearing on my wardrobe, it bothers me enough to make me conscious of what I purchase, aware of what looks wrong. And anything with a power button needs serious consideration, often to the point at which by the time I’ve decided, the item is defunct.

Its not just me, I know because I’ve met others, so I’m definitely not a crazy. We watch the certain people in awe as they stride through existence, doing and instructing with a determined confidence. We disappear into a fog of wonder when tripping over certain thoughts. We were listening, honest, it’s just that we remembered something and got distracted. Most of you are probably thinking ‘you are a crazy’, but some of you are thinking ‘what was that last paragraph about, my mind drifted’ and you’re who I’m interested in here. It’s hard enough over thinking everything without the added burden of over thinking that everyone thinks you’re mental, even now I’m wondering whether the first half of this sentence has too many repetitions of the word think, so you can see how far the illness spreads.

I suppose that in being aware of the other universes created, you appreciate the danger of every interaction and how it cascades. To me, the acceptance of the responsibility of action displays a respect for life and an understanding of moulding possibility. It doesn’t get you anywhere, obviously. At least nowhere any different to where you get by just doing stuff – stuff without the shattering consequences – and I’ll wager you get a lot more done. The universes created are all pretty dull and offer you no more variety than this one. Even in the one with the Hover Boards and Happiness ice cream, you’re still you. It’s not really worth worrying about it cos you’re stuck with it either way, so you might as well have a punt. And anyway, even if you mess it all up, like, all of it – really badly – and there’s no way back, you will eventually die and it won’t really matter. In the grand scheme of things. I’ve not put that brilliantly. What I mean, is that worrying about the alternatives that never exist is silly, because one day neither will you. That’s not much better but it will do.

It’s cheered me up anyway, and when I’ve stopped worrying that this is all a bit of a pointless ramble, with no real structure or purpose, I shall sleep soundly. Unless I stumble upon a particularly fertile ponder, just before I close my eyes, and then I won’t sleep. Maybe the sleep deprivation is a factor in the introspection. Maybe the introspection is causing the sleeplessness. I’m hungry.

Wish I’d bought a Snickers.