Is
everybody sitting down? I only ask because I have some frankly
incredibly important information, information given to me by one of
the people I (used to) follow on Twitter. Ready? Ok, here goes: at
14:51 on Thursday the 9th of February, this Tweeter was – I can
barely contain my excitement – at Burger King, 8 Grange Road,
Singapore. Phew, told you it was riveting stuff. I was still reeling
from the news that one of the people I know on Facebook was going to
the shops, when this burger outlet bombshell dropped. How am I
supposed to go back to my humdrum life when people like that keep
rubbing my nose in the glamour of their existence, it’s just not
fair and I – wait a minute, both of those things are boring and
pointless. Why would you alert people to these facts, and in the case
of the Twatter, I mean Tweeter, why alert hundreds of complete
strangers. Why? Why I ask you!
I
should probably point out that this Burger King fan was not a
celebrity, just a person. A person with no website linked to their
account and no reason to feel the need to keep up their virtual
presence for any marketing reasons. Just a person. Also, for those of
you going, ‘well you use Twitter, is this attack not slightly
hypocritical’, I should point out that a) I use Twitter primarily
to promote this very blog, as well as to get entertaining links off
of folk, should there be no one to watch scornfully in the real
world, b) that I rarely, if ever, post anything other than a new
post, and that c) I am a massive hypocrite. It’s also worth noting
that at no point have I ever felt the need to tell people that I’m
getting fast food, or going shopping, or picking my bum, let alone
provide the building number and street name. No, I have enough
interruptions from the unbalanced weirdos I’ve allowed into my
life, without giving out my current position to a new, completely
unknown group of freaks.
Is
it that everyone has a massively over inflated perception of how
interesting they are, and how interested we are in them. I’ve got
news for you: you are not Stephen Fry. I’ve got news for Stephen
Fry: sometimes, even your Tweets are dull. But at least he does
funny/clever/charitable things that cushion the blow of the numbingly
boring, at least he is a loved and cherished personality with
boundless talent, wit and charm. Tweeter and Facebooker don’t do
anything. They just use up air and food, the bastards. I realise I
chose to follow these people, and that is something that I have now
rectified, but really, I’ve done seven or eight separate tasks so
far today and I haven’t advised the wider world on any of them. Not
once.
Perhaps
it’s because I just don’t care what the wider world thinks of my
eating habits. Maybe I am one of a select few who couldn’t give a
toss whether or not anyone is following my movements. Do these people
want praise, validation, simple contact with others? Is it a
particularly clumsy attempt at reaching out? Are they expecting a
raft of replies? ‘Get a choc shake, LOLZ’, ‘Teh Chic Dpprs R
Sic ;£’, something like that. If that is the case you should go to
the kitchen, turn the oven on – no, higher than that – wait for
it to reach its maximum heat (it’s called preheating, though
apparently nobody else bothers with it), and when it’s nice and
toasty climb in and wait to die. Or if it’s gas the end result can
be achieved much faster. I have a status update: nobody gives a fuck.
If you must prattle on, at least try to be entertaining or relevant.
At the very least spell Burger King right, for Gods sake. Presumably
you have eyes, and as we have established you are actually in the
building. Look up. Moron.
We
aren’t all celebrities, and just because the latest genre of
celebrity is
arrogant-orange-idiot-sex-obsessed-stupid-word-maker-upper, doesn’t
mean anyone is interested in you. Although, having said that, if
they’ll watch that shit, maybe you’re onto something. Sod it,
make a YouTube channel, call it something like ‘Inane, Insane, With
a Very Small Brain’, get a mate to follow you round as you visit
various high street retailers and eateries, and see if you get an
audience. If you do, record a special edition that suggests a very
good way to cut out carbs is to jump of a bridge, and once you’ve
posted it, take your own advice.
Right,
now to post this on Twitter with a very special @reply.
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