'Chic Dpprs R Sic :&' - Breaking News

Is everybody sitting down? I only ask because I have some frankly incredibly important information, information given to me by one of the people I (used to) follow on Twitter. Ready? Ok, here goes: at 14:51 on Thursday the 9th of February, this Tweeter was – I can barely contain my excitement – at Burger King, 8 Grange Road, Singapore. Phew, told you it was riveting stuff. I was still reeling from the news that one of the people I know on Facebook was going to the shops, when this burger outlet bombshell dropped. How am I supposed to go back to my humdrum life when people like that keep rubbing my nose in the glamour of their existence, it’s just not fair and I – wait a minute, both of those things are boring and pointless. Why would you alert people to these facts, and in the case of the Twatter, I mean Tweeter, why alert hundreds of complete strangers. Why? Why I ask you!

I should probably point out that this Burger King fan was not a celebrity, just a person. A person with no website linked to their account and no reason to feel the need to keep up their virtual presence for any marketing reasons. Just a person. Also, for those of you going, ‘well you use Twitter, is this attack not slightly hypocritical’, I should point out that a) I use Twitter primarily to promote this very blog, as well as to get entertaining links off of folk, should there be no one to watch scornfully in the real world, b) that I rarely, if ever, post anything other than a new post, and that c) I am a massive hypocrite. It’s also worth noting that at no point have I ever felt the need to tell people that I’m getting fast food, or going shopping, or picking my bum, let alone provide the building number and street name. No, I have enough interruptions from the unbalanced weirdos I’ve allowed into my life, without giving out my current position to a new, completely unknown group of freaks.
Is it that everyone has a massively over inflated perception of how interesting they are, and how interested we are in them. I’ve got news for you: you are not Stephen Fry. I’ve got news for Stephen Fry: sometimes, even your Tweets are dull. But at least he does funny/clever/charitable things that cushion the blow of the numbingly boring, at least he is a loved and cherished personality with boundless talent, wit and charm. Tweeter and Facebooker don’t do anything. They just use up air and food, the bastards. I realise I chose to follow these people, and that is something that I have now rectified, but really, I’ve done seven or eight separate tasks so far today and I haven’t advised the wider world on any of them. Not once.
Perhaps it’s because I just don’t care what the wider world thinks of my eating habits. Maybe I am one of a select few who couldn’t give a toss whether or not anyone is following my movements. Do these people want praise, validation, simple contact with others? Is it a particularly clumsy attempt at reaching out? Are they expecting a raft of replies? ‘Get a choc shake, LOLZ’, ‘Teh Chic Dpprs R Sic ;£’, something like that. If that is the case you should go to the kitchen, turn the oven on – no, higher than that – wait for it to reach its maximum heat (it’s called preheating, though apparently nobody else bothers with it), and when it’s nice and toasty climb in and wait to die. Or if it’s gas the end result can be achieved much faster. I have a status update: nobody gives a fuck. If you must prattle on, at least try to be entertaining or relevant. At the very least spell Burger King right, for Gods sake. Presumably you have eyes, and as we have established you are actually in the building. Look up. Moron.
We aren’t all celebrities, and just because the latest genre of celebrity is arrogant-orange-idiot-sex-obsessed-stupid-word-maker-upper, doesn’t mean anyone is interested in you. Although, having said that, if they’ll watch that shit, maybe you’re onto something. Sod it, make a YouTube channel, call it something like ‘Inane, Insane, With a Very Small Brain’, get a mate to follow you round as you visit various high street retailers and eateries, and see if you get an audience. If you do, record a special edition that suggests a very good way to cut out carbs is to jump of a bridge, and once you’ve posted it, take your own advice.

Right, now to post this on Twitter with a very special @reply.

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