2020 - A Dry Heave & A Little Cry.

It's been a hot minute, hasn't it. To anyone who has been eagerly awaiting blogs from me in the last many weeks: what's wrong with you? I mean, I know times are tricky and weird at the moment, but you must have a TV. Watch that. Or masturbate. Or read a book, I guess. What I'm saying is, there's stuff to do. To the rest of you who haven't even noticed: that hurts, man. You should be more considerate of my mental health. It's 2020 and I'm pretty sure that ambivalence towards my online ramblings constitutes some form of abuse now. Sort yourself out, you monster. Obviously, I've gone slightly mad since we last connected. I think we all have. It's only right, really, to keep in line with where the world is right now. I've been mostly inside for months now and, basically, I ran out of things to say. I could have talked about Netflix I suppose, or how much more dusting I've done since the population became infected, but I didn't, because those would be shitty posts. Instead, I have done this post, which is potentially no less shitty, but it is here, so that's something. 

The state of my mind after five months of almost complete isolation is... interesting. I've had time to really sit and wonder where the fuck my life has gone. I'm nearly 39, and I'm still spending a large proportion of my waking life shooting zombies and watching cartoons, so something has either gone pretty wrong or marvellously right. I own a house now, but that's only because a parent died, so that's not really an accomplishment. I painted the inside of bits of it, so I can lean on for a while, but it's not going to see me through, y'know. Oh, and I'm still single. What's that, you're sick of me bringing that up? Charming. The point this time is that, in this new world, where we all Zoom and socially distance, how am I supposed to meet someone and rock their world. Or nudge their armchair, which is probably the more accurate idiom. What I'm saying is: what the actual fuck?

In a way it's nice to have something solid to back up my paranoia, anxiety and angst. Like, I'm living through a killer virus, the President of the free world is cold shouldering the whole thing, our own government seem to be playing 'confuse the plebs', there are riots around the globe, a massive explosion has torn through Beirut. Piers Morgan is still a thing. It's all there, no one can say I'm over worrying. Two of those things are signs of the oncoming apocalypse, for the love of God. Not that he seems to have a lot of love to give right now, the omnipotent bastard. If this is part of his plan he can a) piss right off, and should b) probably start a new vision board, because this one is proper shit. If I was God, I'd at least have lemonade rain or something. Candy floss fog? Anything to bring a bit of joy to an otherwise never ending parade of death, terror and self aggrandising, blustering thundercunts. It wouldn't even be bad for you, the rain and fog, cos I'd be God and I could do anything. Except for world peace, equality and 'peel here' resealable packets that don't just tear apart, apparently.

God. A bit of a twat.

On the other hand, I secretly quite liked being one of the special few who really understood how awful everything is. Now everyone knows, which leaves me just another chump, trudging through existence with the rest of the meat sacks. I've still got my innate ability to assume everyone else is better than me, so that's something I suppose. The main problem is that there's an increasingly small number of people saying 'it's all in your head' or 'well, that's just you' or 'shut up with your constant whining and worrying, you flimsy little man' - comforting stuff like that - so when I spiral, there's no stopping it. If it even is spiralling now. Is it spiralling when it's justified? Spiralception. 

So, I'm doing some blogs again, is the gist. They might not be about anything in particular, they might just be a rambling stream of consciousness. A scream into the void. In fact, they almost certainly will be, because current events are particularly samey at the moment - samier than usual - and I don't have the energy to organise my thoughts on any of it into much more than a dry heave and a little cry. There will almost certainly be a few about my new kitten, who is bringing me hours of entertainment and legs of many scratches. Anyway, how are you?

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