As a child I was a profound and efficient liar. Like, god level skills. One time I claimed that I had shaken hands with the Queen Mother as she passed our school to go to the races, just because I fancied seeing who’d believe me, and everyone did. Absolutely everyone, except the queen Mother, presumably. Then the guilt became too much – or I was just disappointed at how easy it had been - and I confessed.
I dropped this habit long ago, because it turns out that constantly lying about basically everything to pretty much everyone, means that you have to keep track of a wide array of fabrications and it doesn’t really get you very far. Or at least, it seemed that way at the time. The world is now a very different place, lies fuel each decision and inform every opinion. Politicians deal only in misdirection or open bollocks and they rule the world. So I thought I’d dust of the old Maker Uperer™ and launch my bid to be Earth President.
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| Inspired by only the bullshitiest bullshitters. |
Brilliantly, it seems you don’t even have to be careful anymore. The best lie, I had always believed, was one rooted in enough truth that it sounded at least plausible and, crucially, one that couldn’t technically be disproven. These requirements no longer apply. It is now possible to stand in front of Parliament, Congress or a swarm of journalists (I think that’s an appropriate collective noun) and talk total nonsense while it is shown to be tosh in real time, and still hold onto your position, rabid, drooling fans and, I guess, your reputation. For what that’s worth. Which is whatever you say it’s worth, because people, en masse, are apparently actual idiots. It is also important to remember that perhaps the greatest lie isn’t one that offers falsehoods, but one that offers sod all. Just make it sound good and only drink out of recyclable cups. Or multiple use cups made from sustainable materials. Whatever. Optics people. Optics.
With that in mind (my mind, not yours, chump. Yours is fragile and tiny) these are the key takeaways of my campaign:
1. I believe that those hardest hit by such things will greatly benefit from the changes I shall make to said items. As such, I will work tirelessly to resolve these issues, folding in the feedback I have received from the wider Earth community. As a planet we were once great, and this can be the case again, because every single human has a skill, or body that can be used as a reliable bio-fuel, and that can be utilised. Fuck Mars.
2. While there are many challenges around leaving the solar system (or Solarsrexit) the discussions we have been having with the other planets are encouraging. You will hear many things about how it is impossible to break from our orbit around the sun without catastrophic deaths, but I can assure you that will not be the case for those of me and my friends on independent luxury space yachts. I would show you our air-tight, fool proof plans but that would greatly diminish our chances of securing me more money and power and, besides, it’s the Martians causing all of your problems really, isn’t it.
3. My wisdom, morality, intelligence, sexual prowess, hair, wisdom, negotiating skills and wisdom are unmatched. I am the sanest man that has ever been. Fact. That is why my social media posts are so very hinged and not at all incoherent or bat shit crazy. This is why, if you should feel differently, or if I think you’re looking at me a bit shifty, you shall be tried for treason. Totally fair. Real news.
4. I shall build a wall around our soon to be singular, 100%-on-its-own-and-doing-brilliantly planet and Mars will pay for it. Our scientists – the best scientists in the Universe by the way – tell me that that will work even though, y’know, space. Also, because why not pile up a few of these to confuse things, I will of course release any documents that are asked of me, unless they are asked of me and that request backed up by legal action. This is exactly the sort of thing my pathetic, weak opponents would do. Plus, I will of course request an extension to interplanetary discussions should it appear that the amazing deal I’m totally going to get doesn’t get got. Except I won’t and we’re definitely leaving and once my impossible space wall is built what are they gonna do. Pfff. Mars. Pricks.
So vote for me, because a vote for me is a vote for me and my career and pretty much nothing else at all. I might be a liar (I am) but I’m your liar and I’m not doing it behind your back like those stupid Martians probably are, I don’t know. I’m doing it to your face. Badly. So you know it’s there. Upfront. We’re the same you and I, I mean we’re both lying to you. Nothing that separates us at all. Except basically every single important and insignificant detail of our lives. Be great, like me. Listen to the psychologically resonating words and focus grouped adverts. You incredible fucking idiots.
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