Anyone
who knows me will know that, a) it’s been a really shitty couple of
weeks, and b) to be writing about it I must be at least slightly
drunk and most likely listening to emotive, reflective music.
Basically a very close friend has died, and again, if you know
me you’ll know that, and if you don’t you’ll be feeling a bit
awkward that I’ve mentioned it. Don’t worry though, I
expect that those who know me are feeling a bit awkward too. Both
sides are treated equally here.
So, it’s been horrible and
life affirming and heart breaking and
makes-you-put-all-your-pointless-shit-in-perspective and a bit of me
has gone forever and a new bit of me has grown. Overwhelming is
not a word I think I’ve used since the birth of my daughter, and
with all the true to my self, world tearing honesty I can muster, I
think the last couple of weeks have made that look actually, quite
whelming. Past Me was and is inexperienced and naive, present
Me is at best very confused, and future me is going to do some things
that past Me would literally generate worry induced vomit over.
I
expect that in a few months I’ll be all ‘how stupid of me to
have said those
things’ and ‘I should have known that wouldn’t
work’, but I’m also pretty sure that, at the moment, I’m right.
This is all going to be wonderfully cryptic, mostly due to the
base level coherent thought I’m operating on, but, really, doing
and saying things that may evoke an unwanted response are fine. Just
do them and when they blow up in your face at least you’ll be able
to know. To know whatever you learn from it. Which will
definitely be better than never, ever knowing. Otherwise there
may be a point at which – just before you don’t get to think or
do or say anything ever again – you realise what a risk-less,
cocooned, self incarcerated Never Know you’ve spent most of your
days being.
Also,
I’m fairly sure most people think I hate most people, so I’m
going to go on record here and say, firstly, people who know me and
who haven’t been expressly told to fuck off: I ‘spose I
pretty much love you all, or think you’re awesome, or both. And
secondly, those I’ve never met, or who I’ve met briefly and maybe
said something stupid to, or glared at or just ignored: you’re
probably alright and I can be a dick. Sorry. Those I have
expressly told to fuck off and who have subsequently started doing
that, should, in all circumstances, carry on as they were. The
majority of people are good, I’ve said it now so there’s no
taking it back, but if anyone mentions it I will claim that this was
ghost written by a sentimental nemesis with a grudge.
If
anyone is aware of a method of perpetuating this soulful, loving,
forgiving clarity, one that doesn’t allow it to fade in weeks and
months and that continues propelling you towards what we should all
probably be before we pop off – which is almost completely free of
fear, able to take knocks with the grace that the statistically
inevitable requires, and respect and enjoy the searing, soaring
successes with the joy and lust that fleeting perfection deserves –
do let me know. The increasingly small cynic in me still seems
to somehow hold the casting vote, just waiting for the minute when
this all becomes a patchwork memory, and I go back to wishing and
wondering. But that’s short, metaphorical people for you:
controlling and intangible.
Part
of this post is to say, “hey everyone, let’s all be less worried
cos of real life and it’s finite nature”, and to warn people
that’s pretty much where I’m at right now. Also there’ll
be more writing now, I enjoy it and sometimes I’m good at it and
screw you, yes I am. Below are some sentiments and explanations
that may be applicable in the coming days. If you can, find one
that suits the situation I have dragged you into, and on remembering
that nothing that happens is forever so its not a good idea to allow
it to cloud your judgement of me, just chant it repeatedly until you
forgive me and can continue, or until I’ve had time to run away:
“It
was worth asking though, yeah?”
“Of
course I was joking!”
“I
am sorry. Get over it”
“I
instantly regretted that, but once It’d happened I thought I’d
just see how it played out”
“Yes,
I do know what I said, but I still really need the job”
“Yeah
that. I know, I know, but still that. I don’t want to
have to think about what might have come of it if I had said/done it,
having not. And yes, I am aware that I sound like a screenplay,
and yes, I’m not oblivious to the fact that I’m a million pliable
cliches, but I’m a 31 year old man who can quite happily handle
whatever response you’ve got so let’s do this and get on with our
lives”
“Can
I borrow fifty quid, I’ve been fired and no one else is talking to
me”
I’ll
find something inconsequential to write about in a few days, promise.
And when I’ve made up some excuse for this, you can hold
that/them responsible. Snide comments and mockery below.
Night.
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