The One In Which Life, Mortality And All That Junk Brings Our Hero Back.

Anyone who knows me will know that, a) it’s been a really shitty couple of weeks, and b) to be writing about it I must be at least slightly drunk and  most likely listening to emotive, reflective music.  Basically a very close friend has died, and again, if you know me you’ll know that, and if you don’t you’ll be feeling a bit awkward that I’ve mentioned it.  Don’t worry though, I expect that those who know me are feeling a bit awkward too.  Both sides are treated equally here.  
So, it’s been horrible and  life affirming and heart breaking and makes-you-put-all-your-pointless-shit-in-perspective and a bit of me has gone forever and a new bit of me has grown.  Overwhelming is not a word I think I’ve used since the birth of my daughter, and with all the true to my self, world tearing honesty I can muster, I think the last couple of weeks have made that look actually, quite whelming.  Past Me was and is inexperienced and naive, present Me is at best very confused, and future me is going to do some things that past Me would literally generate worry induced vomit over.
I expect that in a few months I’ll be all ‘how stupid of me to have said those things’ and ‘I should have known that wouldn’t work’, but I’m also pretty sure that, at the moment, I’m right.  This is all going to be wonderfully cryptic, mostly due to the base level coherent thought I’m operating on, but, really, doing and saying things that may evoke an unwanted response are fine.  Just do them and when they blow up in your face at least you’ll be able to know.  To know whatever you learn from it.  Which will definitely be better than never, ever knowing.  Otherwise there may be a point at which – just before you don’t get to think or do or say anything ever again – you realise what a risk-less, cocooned, self incarcerated Never Know you’ve spent most of your days being.
Also, I’m fairly sure most people think I hate most people, so I’m going to go on record here and say, firstly, people who know me and who haven’t been expressly told to fuck off:  I ‘spose I pretty much love you all, or think you’re awesome, or both.  And secondly, those I’ve never met, or who I’ve met briefly and maybe said something stupid to, or glared at or just ignored: you’re probably alright and I can be a dick.  Sorry.  Those I have expressly told to fuck off and who have subsequently started doing that, should, in all circumstances, carry on as they were.  The majority of people are good,  I’ve said it now so there’s no taking it back, but if anyone mentions it I will claim that this was ghost written by a sentimental nemesis with a grudge.
If anyone is aware of a method of perpetuating this soulful, loving, forgiving clarity, one that doesn’t allow it to fade in weeks and months and that continues propelling you towards what we should all probably be before we pop off – which is almost completely free of fear, able to take knocks with the grace that the statistically inevitable requires, and respect and enjoy the searing, soaring successes with the joy and lust that fleeting perfection deserves – do let me know.  The increasingly small cynic in me still seems to somehow hold the casting vote, just waiting for the minute when this all becomes a patchwork memory, and I go back to wishing and wondering.  But that’s short, metaphorical people for you: controlling and intangible.
Part of this post is to say, “hey everyone, let’s all be less worried cos of real life and it’s finite nature”, and to warn people that’s pretty much where I’m at right now.  Also there’ll be more writing now, I enjoy it and sometimes I’m good at it and screw you, yes I am.  Below are some sentiments and explanations that may be applicable in the coming days.  If you can, find one that suits the situation I have dragged you into, and on remembering that nothing that happens is forever so its not a good idea to allow it to cloud your judgement of me, just chant it repeatedly until you forgive me and can continue, or until I’ve had time to run away:
It was worth asking though, yeah?”
Of course I was joking!”
I am sorry.  Get over it”
I instantly regretted that, but once It’d happened I thought I’d just see how it played out”
Yes, I do know what I said, but I still really need the job”
Yeah that.  I know, I know, but still that.  I don’t want to have to think about what might have come of it if I had said/done it, having not.  And yes, I am aware that I sound like a screenplay, and yes, I’m not oblivious to the fact that I’m a million pliable cliches, but I’m a 31 year old man who can quite happily handle whatever response you’ve got so let’s do this and get on with our lives”
Can I borrow fifty quid, I’ve been fired and no one else is talking to me”

I’ll find something inconsequential to write about in a few days, promise.  And when I’ve made up some excuse for this, you can hold that/them responsible.  Snide comments and mockery below.  Night.

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