If I start censoring the potentially awkward, there will be nothing left.

Ok, so writing a blog post whilst under the influence of cheap white wine and expensive naval rum is perhaps not the best idea, and choosing to write about someone of personal interest in that state of drunkenness is probably even stupider. I am not a man easily ashamed or made to feel awkward, I am not big on regrets or fumbling wildly to take something back. However, had the blog post in question been read by its muse – and it could well have been, she’s got the link – there would have been an unavoidable level of tension, uneasiness and feeling a bit silly. The fact that this would have been within the workplace would only have compounded the effect. So why not delete it? That was the question most asked. Why not get rid of it and pretend it never happened? That would sort it out.

I suppose it was a valid thought process, something removable had the potential to cause problems, so remove it. Thing is, I make it hard enough to maintain this catalogue of ramblings, without consciously censoring my actions. The very purpose of this very blog is to house the honest, open mutterings of its author and anyone else who wants to get involved, so to limit the scope of its contents seems a bit bloody silly. At its very best, I like to think that this collection of nonsense is entertaining and if I start cutting out the embarrassing, potentially embarrassing or life-alteringly awkward stuff it’s just going to be a list of boring facts, and that would be rubbish. As well as that, the slight distance and detachment from reality that writing on the Internet provides allows one to say things they’d like to in their delicate, fleshy actual lives, but can’t, won’t or daren’t. The possibility that these things might get back to their inspiration is a tantalising bonus.
On top of these previous, and though I say so myself, excellent points, I’m also somewhat proud of the piece in question. It’s eloquent, passionate, well structured and says everything I wanted it to, which is a lot more than I manage when sober, be it on this blog or in the day to day with my mouth. There wasn’t anything in it that could cause offence or be desperately misinterpreted. There was no hint of anger, nor a drop of self righteous wallowing. I think it was pretty good. Obviously I didn’t show it to she who is known only as Miss Lovely – I’m not an idiot. For though proud, I am also aware of how actual, physical, tangible life works, or doesn’t, and thusly I instead woke up the morning after and went, “ooooh. That could cause issues”. And then I went about my business as usual. True, I have had a week off blogging, partly due to a creeping sense that soon bad things will happen. True, the increasing number of people who tell me they have read it does slightly bother. True, the internal conflict over whether it would be better for Miss Lovely never to see it, or to see it soon with whatever comes with that rages within. But I’m only human.
The week following the inebriated keyboard hammering has provided events that suggest I should probably give up on any ideas of Lovely courting. Not apocalyptic events, or even really clear indications to any end. Just suggestions that allow my mind to tread melancholy paths toward Not To Be. Not that that’ll put me off, naturally. Sure, I’ll back off for a while, maybe a couple of weeks. But I’ll be back. I find the best way to make sure you know for certain is to bombard your quarry with constant attention and perpetual offers of entertainment and affection, until eventually they’re forced to spell things out in very loud block capitals, written in primary colours. With crayons. Now isn’t the time for that though, now is a quiet time. The time before the storm, and if film has taught me anything it’s that after a storm there is sunshine, strength of bond and soaring,soul lifting instrumental music.
On the other hand, if the news is to be believed there is also a chance of massive casualties and widespread devastation. Either way I’ll let you know and I’ll try to make it at least entertaining.

Watch this space.

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