“Our
lives are defined by many things. Some just happen, others we choose.
The new Ford Jeep”. What!? I’m sorry what? No, fuck off. Right
off, way over there until I can’t see you anymore. I hate you. I
loathe you. You are the reason children die and kittens are drowned.
As an act of advertising this is pointless, verging on you being a
cunt. Our lives are defined by many things, yes. One of those things
is not your bastard Jeep. You can argue many things in the world of
television, particularly in advertising, but one you cannot is that
car adverts are not painfully awful.
Some
of you may think that, as a thing, advertising is void of any use or
substance. We probably aren’t going to agree, so just shush now and
I’ll pretend you aren’t here. It’s not that I don’t
understand some of your points, I do, I really do. There’s always a
product being pushed, there’s always a man poking you going “buy
that, go on, buy it”. Most of the time it’s a wasted effort on
the part of the man, you simply don’t want whatever it is. No
matter how pokey the poke. I also understand that often, the unsubtle
message is packaged poorly, in a gaudy, un refined manner so
unsubtle, gaudy and unrefined that you begin beating yourself to
death with your wallet in order to ensure you never purchase
anything, ever again. It’s a totally normal reaction. However, I
would suggest that in seeing these messages-from-their-sponsors as
only an empty, shallow sell, you are missing out on a fantastic
creative treasure trove. Yes, they’re pushing their stuff. Yes,
conditioning is taking place. Yes. Some people are distorted and led
by these five minute chunks of slogans. Some people also phone in to
vote for the X Factor and believe in a god who allows Robbie Williams
and Chris Moyles. Fuck them. You’re not them. Choose not to buy it
and enjoy the ad if it’s entertaining. I’ve seen you laughing at
Blackadder and you never bought the box set. It’s ok. Unless you
weren’t laughing, and then we also probably won’t get on.
As
a recent (UK) example I give you Old Spice. That man, no matter how
vehemently you argue, was on a horse. Look up. I’m selling Old
Spice. Look down. Look up again. I’m just as entertaining, well
thought out, brilliantly acted, self aware and harmless as the best
comedy sketch show. It’s Fast Show good. It is, and if you don’t
like that either you should probably just go. Now.
Adverts
can do everything. Hard hitting, emotional pieces – usually for a
charity or some such – all the way up to the vapid, lifestyle
peddling farts of nothing that currently strongly suggest you buy a
car. The whole spectrum. The problem is that Tarquin
Snort-Laughington and his advertising chum(p)s tend to go for the
obvious, bland, easy option. Instead of making an entertaining little
skit with the new shiny vehicle in the background – or building a
micro-narrative over the course of several thirty second shorts in
which a young attractive couple go through some stuff in a Jeep –
they just show you the car, play some emotive, string based music,
usually drive around some spectacular landscape and basically tell
you the new Nissan Snarf will make the ladies wet. Which may be true,
and if so, more fool them.
As
long as you are sentient enough to wilfully ignore the product it’s
fine. In fact it’s the test. If, when you take away the wares being
plied, the whole containing medium collapses, then yes, it’s shit.
It’s a shit advert, a fart of a cloud made of nothing. But that’s
no different to a dreadful television programme. Like, say, Sex In
The City. Which is actually a fart-of-nothing, life style peddling
advert for tight faced, manipulative cows on heat. And clothes and
shoes. Suddenly adverts look quite appealing, huh? So next time they
come on, don’t really pay attention, but keep an eye open and give
them a chance. At some point you’ve probably caught five minutes of
Hollyoaks, and you don’t want to be defined by that. You want a
Jeep.
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