Guest Post: We Can’t All Have A Face Like Felix.

So. How do you get a girl to like you? An adult girl that is. Anyone can go around giving sweets to children and build themselves up a little crew, pied piper style, but the judge gave me 3 years suspended and Matt Jarett said you do get bummed in prison. So how do you get an adult girl to like you? Not just be your mate cos you give her a lift to pilates on a Thursday and you’ve put a shelf up for her. I mean sexually. All up in her and junk. So how do you get an adult girl to like you sexually? Well you don’t. That’s right, you don’t and you can’t. A girl will already like you sexually (unless she doesn’t) and all you can do, all you can do, is make her hate you and think you’re repulsive.

But sir, what are you fucking talking about, you devastatingly handsome rogue? I hear you ask. Well I shall explain.

When you walk into a place, there are sometimes girls. These girls will look at you and they will check you out. Just like you do when you’re gawping at girls wappers, you skanky pervert. Only girls do it well subtle, like, so you won’t notice they’re doing it. And after about 5 seconds they have decided whether or not you are attractive enough to sleep with. But with girls, these twisted, unfathomable angels of destruction; that is not enough oh no siree bob, nowhere near. They need to know other things as well, namely personality and wealth. Now personality can make wealth unimportant and vice versa, but let’s assume you have no wealth, cos if you did you’d already have a plethora of playboy bunnies strewn around you boudoir and you wouldn’t be reading this would you? So personality. That is so often your downfall isn’t it? If a girl thinks you look nice, but also thinks you’re a total bezzer, then no dice sonny J.

Now we all hear that in order to be attractive to a woman you have to be confident, charming, funny and most of all (everybody) be yourself. And we always hear this advice from good looking people. Well good looking people are stupid idiots. They don’t know anything, the smouldering bastards. They’re too busy finding everything easy and joyful to even realise what they’re doing and how they’re doing it. Pricks. We can’t all have a face like Felix, can we? The handsome son of a – I digress. Confidence can’t be learned and then switched on when needed. It grows in you if you are well good. Charm is very difficult if you are scared and awkward and you can’t just stand there telling Gary Glitter jokes. And be yourself? Being yourself is the fucking problem! Being yourself is being unconfident, awkward and telling strange one liners about an aged glam rock paedo going on holiday to Tampa with the kids. But you don’t wanna not be yourself cos they’ll find out eventually and then they’ll hate you for living a lie. But you might get to have sex. Sometimes worth it in the short term anyway.

The point that I have been meandering around is you need but alter one personality trait to be a (relative) success. Eliminate the fear of rejection. The fear of being rejected physically, and then the fear of your personality being rejected. Being rejected is well scary cos it makes you feel all sad and jubby.

Handsome fellows know that they are handsome. Therefore they know that the majority of women will find them attractive. This takes a huge load off, cos you don’t have to spend time and money researching and stalking to find out if a girl likes your looks. Chances are they most likely will. And if one doesn’t then she must be a lesbian anyway and the other girls will so just move on to the next. So the fear of physical rejection is slim indeed. This makes Felix very relaxed and breeds confidence in the knowledge that girls will want to engage in conversation. Charm goes with confidence as you can say and suggest things with a mind that isn’t clouded by fear. And the jokes will probably go down well whatever, as the other bases are covered.

Other people, like you, will be terrified of rejection as it will be quite likely. Most girls won’t find you attractive, so you have to find the odd one, who you think might conceivably harbour the possibility of finding you ok maybe and you still won’t be sure if she does and what if she says no? That’d be terrible and embarrassing and everyone will know and she’s the only girl anywhere anyway who might and uhhhhh huuuuuhhhh brain anyerism!

WELL! Fear not! Because now, right here, I will help you in your quest to eliminate the fear of rejection!!! LOLZ!

Number one rule! DO NOT! Ask out anyone who you know well, or work with! If (when) they say no, it will be very awkward and embarrassing and this will make you terrified and the talking won’t do proper.

DO! Try and talk to people with no connection to your life as when they reject you, it won’t matter at all, and no one has to know.

DO NOT! Ask out loads of people in the same place. You won’t be able to go back there because you will be known as the guy who got rejected by every girl in the bar.

DO! Give unlikely people a chance. Some really hot girls have a thing for weird geeky weirdos. You sometimes buy a lottery ticket right? That’s a quid, asking is free! (Apart from the emotional cost that is)

DO NOT! Tell lies. You will be scared of being found out. This will make you scared.

DO! Keep it simple. Start with ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ No means you’re ugly, but can be distorted in your mind to mean ‘She’s probably meeting her dad in a minute and it would’ve been awkward’

DO NOT! Be worried about rejection. Accept it. It will happen, many times. But if you are to get any lady fun at all, you must keep trying. One in a million chance? That’s still a chance.

DO! Lower your standards slightly

DO NOT! Lower them too much. Some girls are fucking disgusting! You will always have porn.

There you go! Fixed your life. Run along, you little scamps.