Do My Shins Not Sweat?

Something has made me angry, very angry indeed, and that something is shorts. Yeah, you read that correctly: shorts. Have a little chuckle, roll your eyes and then kindly piss off. I don’t want you here if you’re going to mock or condescend. In your absence I shall explain why shorts, or more accurately a complete lack of shorts, have driven me to bureaucracy fuelled rage. It may seem trivial and frivolous, it’s not but it may seem that way. I’ll warn you though, that this particular rant involves subjects such as equality, gender, choices, hypocrisy and male, knee length leg wear. That’s right. Shit just got real.

I shall cut to the chase. It is forbidden to wear shorts in the workplace, or at least my workplace, which to me is the workplace, so my description stands. Even on a ‘dress down’ or ‘casual’ day – a day which isn’t any more casual than any other day, in that a day is a measure of time, nor is it a day on which I choose to dress down, in the sense of wearing any less – I am not allowed to don a pair of knee skimmers. So, you may be thinking, what? People aren’t allowed to bare ankle in the office, big deal. The thing is, that’s not true. Some of the people in the office are. The ladies may wear a knee length skirt on any day of the week. Also, should a VIP be visiting, I am required to wear a long sleeved shirt and a tie, as are similarly genitaled colleagues, while the beboobed among us may show upper arm. In some cases I swear I’ve seen shoulder.

I don’t hate the player, or playa or whatever, I hate the game. Unless the player thinks its alright to have one set of rules for men and one for women, then I hate the player as well. People should be paid the same, people should be treated the same, and people should be forced to pointlessly dress smartly in an office environment the same, regardless of winkles and hoohaa’s. If you think that being paid equally is more important than who is able to wear weather appropriate attire Monday to Friday, you are wrong. If the essence of equality is that we be treated the same, then the message behind the shorts is just as strong as the message behind even financial reward. You don’t get to say that women can have the same rights as men, but get to keep the other perks as well, and that men can’t have them because of stuff and things and but no because it’s different isn’t it. It’s the same thing. It is the same. It is.

Why can’t I choose to wear a pair of heaven-to-goodness shorts on a hot, sunny day? Do my shins not sweat? A smart pair, obviously, unless it was a casual day and then a really laid back pair. The kind of shorts that don’t really mind, possibly teamed with a nonchalant t-shirt. On a dress down day it’d just be the shorts, naturally. Generally, people seem to think I’m being ridiculous, and if you don’t listen to all of their argument they sound quite convincing, but it seems to me that if blokes were allowed to wear even three quarter length trousers, and birds were asked to clad their potentially distracting pins in cloth, there would be outrage. I expect the Daily Mail would do a front page, ‘Women Short Changed” or “Shorts: The Bare Facts (As Long As Your Facts Aren’t Legs And You Aren’t A Woman). Something with shorts and women in it, a little word play. There would be petitions, protests, vigilante female office workers daring to flash a little ankle, only to be escorted off the premises. A grumpy, ruffled looking thirty year old man suggests that defining the leg wear of a gender based on the permitted percentage of leg on view is, though farcical, discrimination, and all he gets is gently humoured, fading to a subtle sense of being an irritant.

I’m right though. I am. I am right though, aren’t I. Statement, not a question, so you can shush right up. I do realise that whether or not I’m allowed to air my lower leg or upper arm on a summers day isn’t as immediately important as Dick getting twice as much as Sally, I’m just saying that at a ground sort of level, the justification behind the reasoning equates. If you can’t see that you have a very tiny mind and I recommend maintaining only base level operative capacity. Possibly make basic meals, but try not to do too much, the sudden movements will confuse you. If I’m honest, I’m probably gonna just not wear shorts, moan about it for a while, and then slot the stinging memory into the jigsaw of my personal inner torment. But it’s possible I’ll write a letter, or send an email, or print a t-shirt, or wear some fucking shorts, yeah, have that the man. Represent.

So basically, shorts, yeah, they shouldn’t divide, they should unite and support, yeah, and they need good pockets because shorts often have loose pockets and change and keys and stuff falls out and you lose it.