I
think it would be fair to say that I do not currently have my dream
job. Fairly certain that will surprise no one, including my employer,
as I have mentioned it a few times on these very pages, as well as
probably every day I’m actually at my place of work. However, there
is an occupation that makes me glad that I do what I do, and not it,
and that is any customer service role in which you have to deal with
the thankless, ill educated bastards face to face. Today I was
reminded of that whilst trying to enjoy an afternoon cider in a local
public house. The chump in question had (I think) ordered some drinks
using the table service provided in this establishment, and said
beverages had not arrived instantly as there were other people quite
selfishly ahead of him in the grand scheme of things.
This had
irritated him.
In order to get what was due, he approached the bar,
politely engaged a member of staff, and enquired as to when he might
be able to get what he had asked for. Wait, no, no he didn’t. He
stomped up to the bar with a face like chronic diarrhoea, stopped a
member of staff rather rudely, and informed her that having to
actually wait was a bloody disgrace. There was the standard apology
from the employee as well as what I think was a brief description of
how queuing works, what with there being other people on the planet.
He stood too close, adopting a somewhat aggressive stance, and threw
around terms like ‘not my problem’, ‘not good enough’, and ‘I
am a self important prick who is used to getting what he wants
through acting like a massive twat’. Ok, not that last one, but
that’s what was coming across.
I
was impressed with the way his spoilt child-like behaviour was
handled. She smiled at him throughout, never once appearing angry or
totally justifiably insulted. She maintained eye contact and listened
to each unreasonable word that pissed out of his stupid face, as if
she actually gave a toss. At no point was he told to sod off, or that
he’d have to shitting wait just like everyone else in there, and
when his drinks were delivered they contained no spit, vinegar or
penis residue, despite my offer to dip the tip in and swirl it
around. It’s probably best, they were mostly sugary liquids and I’d
have developed a nasty infection. Point is that even though the
inbuilt, human response would be to treat his rude, selfish,
arrogant, aggressive behaviour as just that, responding like for
like, he was offered instead, manners. A mask of common decency and
basic civility that he was either never given, or had grown too fat
and misshapen to wear. I happen to know the staff as my brother is
one of them – I don’t offer to teabag the glass of a wanker
wherever I may be – and so after the exchange I asked the
girl involved how she did it, how she hadn’t stabbed him in the
cock with a steak knife. There were loads handy, and he was all cock.
The
answer was simple: In being overly polite, smiley and saccharine
sweet, she could not be accused of taking the proverbial. He would
probably think she was genuine, and if he realised he was being
slightly mocked, any accusation would be made to sound very silly
indeed – “I’d like to complain about one of your staff. What
did she do? Um, she was terribly polite and smiled sweetly from start
to finish”. Yeah, what a bitch. It’s a solid approach that allows
a professional appearance to be maintained, whilst displaying your
contempt and distaste on a sarcastic, bullet proof, fifty foot
billboard. She felt cleverer than him, better than him and like she’d
done something – all of which was without question – and he felt
like he’d done his I’m The Man thing efficiently, accomplishing
his goal. Everyones a winner, baby. Thing is, she’s almost
certainly right. He probably did think she was being genuine. His
slow, trudging brain will have been unable to process the subtlety of
being patronised in such a manner, focusing on it’s single aim to
be treated like the king among men he definitely wasn’t. So as far
as he’s concerned, acting like that works. He’s right too, it
does work, and it really, really shouldn’t. By all means complain
if you have a valid reason to, but do it like a grown up human being:
clearly, concisely and reasonably deliver your grievances and then
fuck off. Leave a message, contact a standards agency, write a letter
outlining every foible. If you can write. Just don’t act the big
man, shouting it up like some sort of Mafia Don of whom we live in
fear. You’re not. You’re just another tool.
If
I were to be consulted by the government on how to handle such things
(and it’s bound to happen eventually), I would suggest more of a
Detest and Deter approach. It seems to me that the more we treat this
behaviour as not just acceptable, but as viable, the more it will be
adopted. If everyone were to tell a rude sod to flipping well
pull those socks up or no dice, people would have to give it a go.
Eventually. After the probable, violent clashing.
As such I would expect that the following examples offer a socially
beneficial outcome:
- A
customer feels they have had to wait too long to be served/to have
their order delivered to their table. Threatening or aggressive
mannerisms are being used, presumably in order to tame me into
obeying them. What should I do?
This
is a situation you will often find yourself in, over time this will
not phase you. You should let them finish blathering on and
then return with the following – “Do you think that this approach
will result in anything other than all of your consumables being
tarnished. Please feel free to reconsider your arguments
packaging, remarketing the contents, and try again, otherwise please
return to your table where I will soon bring you the glass of
effervescent smegma you have requested”
- I
have made a mistake on an order and the customer has become abusive,
using powerful and offensive language he probably doesn’t know how
to spell. Despite my apologies he remains agitated, seemingly
only accepting my turning back time and not making the mistake as
worthy recompense. What should I do?
Simply
place the incorrect order in front of them and use a version of –
“Well if you’re going to be a cunt about it, this is all you get.
I wanted base level humans to frequent this eatery, and I get
pricks like you, but we have to make do. If you don’t want it
you can always fuck off”. Should your language cause offence,
laugh and point out they started it.
- A
customer has asked for something we don’t stock, I have stated that
unfortunately we don’t have that, and listed the products we do.
They have asked for something else not on that list, so I have
listed what we have again. They have become indignant,
impatient and annoyed. Say what?
Pretty
much go nuts here. You could ask them if they’re gonna pay
for a pint of piss, and when they’re all like, no, of course I’m
not, you can be all, brilliant I’ll take the cash now then and
they’ll be all, no you moron I’m not paying for piss, and you can
ask if they’d prefer card or cash or cheque, and they’ll be like,
none of those, and you’ll go, great that you’re so flexible,
card’s fine, and they’ll see what you’re doing and probably
just leave and stuff. But that’s just an example, feel free
to improvise.
- Throughout
the day I have been accused of short changing when I bloody well
didn’t, shouted at for serving the bloke who was there first, had
various things thrown at me, been spat at, threatened, treated like a
lesser mortal, been grabbed, groped, propositioned and had my
sexuality questioned. I have just opened my payslip. Really?
Go
and grab one of those little plastic crates and pop it down in front
of the bar/front desk. Now climb up onto the bar/front desk and
address the building as an entity – “I have climbed up here to
visually represent my superiority to this shit. I shall be
leaving now and never coming back because nobody needs this. I’d
rather sell my body, it’s less demeaning, and before any of you
ask, no, not to you, you make me physically sick. Good day”.
Leave smartish, mind.
I
understand the desire to just give them what they want, but the
customer is so often wrong it’s astounding. The only time
they’re always right is when they’re quietly paying the full
amount for something they have politely asked for. Still, kudos
for handling it as it was. I’d have told him he’d get it in
a minute, and for every word he spoke after that I would’ve added
another minute, updating him live, as it happened.
I’m
no longer allowed to work with the public.
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