The
other day I sat down and watched a couple of my favourite films.
First, I watched RoboCop, because it is excellent and violent and
meaningful and very, very violent. Then I watched Starship Troopers,
because it is silly and violent and brilliant and immensley violent.
Both of these blood soaked wonders were directed by Paul
Verhoeven,
as was Total Recall, the identity crisis revolving, face popping
scene featuring, three breasted alien lady containing, Arnold
Schwarzenegger starring masterpiece that has recently been remade,
with Colin Farrell in the role Arnie made famous. The original was
pretty violent. The new version has been roundly trashed, referred to
as lacklustre, pointless, and nowhere near gore filled enough, and as
such I have decided to avoid it. It is, however, the reason I watched
the two films that I did, because they are being remade as well, and
they will be shit and worthless also. This is sad and makes me angry.
So angry, I want to blow someones hand off with a shotgun, laugh
maniacally as myself and my goons fill the poor fools torso with
lead, and then later regret it when my victim comes back as a cyborg
law enforcer determined that, dead or alive, I’m coming with him.
Why
Hollywood seems determined to ruin Verhoevens’ classics is beyond
me, they’ve been made, and made very well. Those stories have been
told, enjoyed, turned into various sequels, and left to the positive
reviews of history. But remaking them they are, or reimagining them,
or rebooting them, or whatever code they’re using for ‘pissing
all over the memory of’. I guess there’s a young, incredibly easy
to please, new audience out there, one that hasn’t seen the
original versions, one that doesn’t know the stories, one that has
been spoilt by CGI and humongous budgets and couldn’t possibly cope
with prosthetic effects that, ok, haven’t aged so well, but that do
the bloody job just fine. An audience that wants slick, quick, glossy
thrills with little to no artistry about them, in which story
telling, character, suspense and involvement have been replaced by
huge explosions and tits. Fine, yes, tits were always fairly
prominent, but you know what I’m saying. At least there used to be
some sort of acting ability required of those with breasts, now they
just have to be able to kick quite high whilst wearing PVC. And look
a bit horny.
I’m
going to go out on a limb here and suggest that there are probably
some more original scripts out there. Not never before thought of,
but at least not a copy, and a poor one at that. Someone has written
a lovely story, they’ve given characters names and then blown them
up or sent them into space. Or both. So why not make their film? The
answer is seemingly risk. Why invest in an unknown, when you can leaf
through the scrapbook and puke up the sterilised evil twin of a past
success? It seems like a no brainer – which funnily enough is what
is required of the audience – but if I were to mention Dr.
Frankenstein to you, it should seem a less perfect proposition.
He
wanted to make a person, didn’t he, so he got all these bits of
people and smashed them together, all sewn up nice and tight, then he
used some jiggery pokery to make his creature live. And it was a bit
shit, wasn’t it? It was a bit of a shit person, all groaning and
stomping and not sure what the hell it was. A remake of a film is
much like a remake of a person, kind of, in that it’s never going
to be as good as its source material. You change too much or not
enough, you cast the parts lazily, you fill it with computer wizardry
to compensate for the lack of creativity, and it just ends up a bit
confused.
For
the last year I have had a Cineworld Unlimited card, one that lets
you see as many films as you’d like for £15 a month. I’ve just
cancelled it. There are several reasons behind this decision, firstly
that I need that money for food and or rum, secondly that the cinema
is further away now that I’ve moved, and so on. But the largest
contributing factor is this: films are getting to be quite poo.
There, I said it. Why on Earth would I pay to see a film I’ve
basically seen before, only this time not quite as good? I wouldn’t.
And if not the films themselves, then the experience of seeing them
on the big screen is increasingly unenjoyable. With the tiny,
uncomfortable seats, and the noisy pricks, and the disgustingly
priced everything, and the sound cutting out and the, well, and
everything being done really badly.
Stop
making (or remaking) complete and utter cock, and then showing it in
palaces of poverty inducing misery, and maybe – MAYBE – people
will start to reconnect with the process of devouring a film
together, which in turn might reduce the piracy. Which reminds me,
when you get a good copy of The Avengers, let me know, yeah.
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