Blaines Pain - Do These Then Disappear.

So far, David Blaine has failed to drown himself, starve himself to death, suffocate in a coffin, freeze himself, end it all by plummeting off a huge pole, and to spin himself normal or entertaining. Also, and I can’t be alone here, he comes across as a bit of a tool doesn’t he? With that biro eye on his palm, and the staring and low, boring, monotone voice. Yep, a bit of a tool. Next out of the tools box is an attempted electrocution, but rather than just lick a socket or stick a fork in a toaster like any normal, clearly suicidal person, he is going to pass one million volts through the faraday suit and helmet he will be wearing. For three days. With a bit of luck, some of those volts will sneak past and pulse through him, popping his smug little head like an egg in a microwave, or like popcorn on the hob (or in a microwave), but I prefer the imagery of the egg. 
Why Mr Blaine chooses to do these things, I don’t know. Perhaps he imagines we give a solitary shit, or is labouring under the illusion (Ha! He’s an illusionist so that’s funny) that standing still/being upside down/lying in a box usually reserved for the dead, for whatever amount of time, is impressive. Well, I could probably sit on an over flowing toilet whistling the theme tune to Minder, while geese shat on me from a great height for a week, but I’ve got better things to do. Well, other things. So in celebration of this next pointless, clearly-possible-so-why-bother-we-don’t-care, embarrassment of a ‘feat’, I have decided to outline five exercises of mental and physical endurance that Blaine should try next. Starting with:
The Human Picnic
Granted, he may have missed peak season for this one, but there’s always next year. Simply, he slathers himself in jam – don’t mind which flavour – washes his hair in cola, screws some tarts or mini quiches onto his nipples, and wears a loin cloth made of snack sized scotch eggs and cocktail sausages. Then, in the height of summer, he lies on a chequered table cloth on the grassy floor of a British park. The danger here is obvious: Swarms. Be they ant or wasp, they will come. Particularly if he feeds solely on Calippos. The added threat of local dogs coming and eating his meat pants is merely icing on the bug infested cake. Worst case scenario, he distracts all the irritating wildlife while normal folk enjoy their al fresco dining, and at least if anyone throws food at him he won’t notice.
The Bitter And The Brave
Having spent three weeks suffering a plethora of paper cuts whilst sending out the invites for the Magic Circles christmas party (so that they’ll let him in), David is then tasked with squeezing the lemon juice the event requires for its Tom Collins’ and Whiskey Sours. By hand. In front of him is a crate of 9,000 lemons, one huge bucket, and a giggling cameraman. After a while, say the first couple of thousand lemons, people may get a bit bored, and Blaines Pain may become dulled. To combat this, members of the audience that will have no doubt gathered will be offered the opportunity to fire jets of recently boiled salt water into his eyes. When every drop of the vital, precious juice has been squeezed, David will be told that he isn’t actually invited, on account of no one really liking him that much, but the salt water will have dried out his ducts leaving him unable to weep. Bless.
The Pendulum
This particular project has the benefit of a weighty, artsy, overblown, self important kind of a name, so works before anything even happens. After 18 months spent doing intense neck muscle training exercises that make him look a bit like he’s trying to expel a Chieftain Tank through his pee-pee, and maybe years mastering zen relaxation techniques, Dave ties his hair – which has grown very long during his regime – to the top of the 829.84 metre tall Burj Khalifa in Dubai, dresses as a lemming from popular 1991 computer puzzler ‘Lemmings’, and jumps. Actual chances of survival are slim, but nowhere else will you be able to witness the side splitting hilarity of a man dressed as a lemming (from popular 1991 computer puzzler ‘Lemmings’) jumping from the worlds tallest building, combined with the horrifying finality of either a fatal scalping, or the sound of a neck snapping like a refrigerated Kit-Kat. Not even on Sky. And say what you like, that’s good TV.
Death By Narcissism
Daves eyelids are held open, Clockwork Orange style, while he sits in front of a seventy inch OLED, 3D, SuperAmazing Television, displaying the entire back catalogue of his own death defying stunts. Not just the edited bits for broadcast. All the raw video. Weeks of him sitting, or lying, or hungry, or icy, or just talking absolute horse shit at unsuspecting journalists. After a while he’ll probably start to lose his mind, or his eyeballs might dry up and plop out of his face like dead,empty marbles, and it’ll serve him right. That’s how it feels Dave, to watch this turgid nonsense. It’s risky, yes. It’s cruel, yes. It’s probably even illegal, but fuck it, and if he survives they can adapt the process and use it to replace water boarding. Then Blaine could spend a few months at Guantanamo Bay. He’s got dark skin so there’s probably a warrant out for his arrest as we speak. Escape from that ‘Modern Day Houdini’. If you can.
Maybe Just Stop Now, Yeah?

Self explanatory. He could maybe have a film crew follow him round while he does absolutely bugger all. It’d be a vast improvement. Or, just, do some magic tricks or whatever. They were pretty good. But don’t do the hand-eye thing, it’s weird and off putting.

Post a Comment