Berking Nine To Five.

Here’s a little piece from sometime contributor Mikicface. It isn’t on his C.V.

Who the TITS invented working 9 to 5? That’s 9am in the morning o’clock until 5pm in the afternoon time. That’s 8 hours of the day, and bearing in mind that you should be asleep for 8 hours, plus there’s things like needing to eat and having a poo, that’s most of your day taken up by working. But at least you only work 5 days from 7. Wait a minute… that’s around 70% of your week working! Now, if we consider that your life is the only one you’ve got, its very short and it’s a miracle that you even ended up with one in the first place, why the absolute twats do you have to work for the vast majority of it? What total fucking milk monitoring, glass collecting, raped by your dad poindexter invented that?

And even if you worked 9 to 4, 4 days a week, that’s still the majority of your time working! But you’d take that wouldn’t you? Goddammit! I am of course speaking for the majority of us who hate their jobs. If you like your job, then you are probably a distant relative of our aforementioned, abused friend up there. So piss off.

You shouldn’t spend most of your life miserable, and then when you’re not miserable, too tired to ‘perform’. And then it’s the weekend and you’re shit face drunk and asleep Sunday and BOOM. Monday. Misery. Aids. Metaphorical, emotional AIDS of course. I’m not insane! Ahahaha!

Now, I work in retail at the moment. I say at the moment because I haven’t quite given up on the seemingly false hope that one day I’ll have a better job but that’s very unlikely isn’t it? Well, in retail you will unfortunately and inevitably come face to face with other humans on a daily basis known as customers. You’ve probably been one yourself at one stage and therefore you have been oblivious to how incredibly stupid and rude you were. Because the customer’s always right aren’t they? And we all know that if you are right, then you are allowed to be a complete and utter bag of dicks for no reason.

Anyway, we’re now gonna play a little game to see if you are in fact a delicious hamper of engorged cocks. Simply answer the questions yes or no and then tot up your score at the end. Good luck!

1. Upon entering a shop and being greeted with a ‘hello’ variant, do you avoid eye contact and say ‘just looking’?

2. Do you enter shops whilst halfway through eating a pasty?

3. Do you enter shops with a dog turd on your shoe?

4. Do you enter shops with a dog? (Blind people are excluded, but I haven’t written this in fucking brail anyway)

5. Do you spit your gum out in a shop?

6. Do you pick up items from a shop and say very loudly (even if you’re alone) ‘£8.99? How much? That’s expensive isn’t it? I’m not paying that!’?

7. Do you ever tell the shop assistant ‘that’s a bit expensive for helium isn’t it?’ even though you have no fucking clue on the process of acquiring helium and also have no basis for comparison?

8. Have you ever pissed yourself in a shop?

9. Have you ever said ‘why is the pink one more expensive than the blue one when they’re exactly the same?’

10. Have you ever gone up to the desk and just blurted out the product you were looking for? Eg walk up to the desk and just shout ‘ONIONS!?’

11. When paying with credit/debit cards, do you just stand there and wait to be asked to enter your pin and then again, stand there waiting to be instructed to remove your card like you have NEVER FUCKING USED CHIP AND PIN BEFORE BECAUSE THEY’VE ONLY BEEN AROUND FOR 15 FUCKING YEARS?

If you answered mostly ‘No’ then good.
If you answered mostly ‘Yes’ then you’re a prick.

Thanks and goodbye. I’m a ghost like Swayze.

The writer has since changed occupation. Which is probably best.